Thursday, June 21, 2007

Silence

I am a talker, always have been but the last few days I've been very silent not very talkative. I think it is a convergence of different issues settling in my soul. The questions which I've shared with you already about my work, my insistence at not commenting on the politics which I am afraid I am not really succeeding at and a general lack of peace in my outer and inner world the last few days. That explains the lack of witty and interesting repartee. I guess I have been trying to cut off pieces of myself that somehow I don't think fit with my idea of a soulful peace. I started a purse last night which I already don't like. Maybe tomorrow I can deal with it and make it likeable but for now I don't want to look at it. Then there is the tee shirt I have been embroidering for the last week on and very off. I like the colors but I have been denying myself the time and the peace to finish it. It is also a pattern I use quite often and feel like I'm cheating on it. It's not fresh and new it's an old standard design which I like to make. I guess since I am making a tee shirt for myself I will just allow myself to do it in a boring but lovely pattern that I like. Perhaps when I stop typing.

My politics. They don't really belong on a peaceful blog about my work. I am in the middle of a feeling that no matter how much I talk about it and how many facts I have to back myself up I am hitting my head against the wall. I have detested Bush since before he got elected the first time. I am a good judge of character and frankly I could see his was lacking when he ran against McCain in the Republican primary. I never understood his presidency except for one brief moment after 9/11 when he decided to invade Afganistan. I am a New Yorker who used to live on Long Island and vengeance sounded like a good idea. It wasn't and all that came after it has just made our country a bigger target and a lot less friendly place. He is a dolt and he is our president but to this day I cannot understand how one man with so little talent can get away with changing our country and the world in such a huge way. I wonder often about how our world would have been different had destiny and fate not stepped in. I guess I am writing about my politics because once again the unbelievable amount of death and destruction that has been wrought because of a truly bad idea is somehow ruining my peacefulness with messy little details about dead soldiers and their children and their wives and their parents and everyone who loves them. My dad was a vet. He brought me up to be very patriotic, but somehow I believed that something that is so important to my being was not what I wanted to project on my peaceful blog. I can't stay silent about this war even if I try and believe me I do try. I've had a lot of losses in my life, I know how that one feels. I lost my brother when I was 6 and have lived with loss and death pretty much regularly ever since. When I think of the soldiers and dead Iraqis I think of all of those children whose whole lives will be changed because of some crazy idea some nut who shouldn't have power and a bunch of his nutty friends has dreamt up. These children will live with the horror of this war and the grief of losing a parent for the rest of their lives . What will that do to the littlest generation. They will also be paying the debts of a war that hopefully will be over before they start paying those taxes. Now I guess you can figure out why I wanted to be silent about my politics. I'm a little too outspoken about them.

Finally there is my own little outside world, lately I have started to notice just what an impact having loss early in your life leaves. It makes you a different person and gives you a mask. One that you wear every day with a big wide smile on it all the while closing yourself off so that people will not feel sorry for you. But all of us has something that people should feel sorry for us for. And we all wear big masks to cover that fact up. Just recently I decided to take the mask off and except for my insistence not to talk politics on this blog I've been getting better at letting people see some of my layers underneath the mask. I realize that you have to trust people sooner or later and hope that somehow they understand you a bit better. The people who want to understand will and those who don't wont, but I've decided to post my truth and well here I have.

Now in closing this not so silent post I really don't want you to feel sorry for me. I have many gifts that I would not be able to appreciate without the pain. I have a smile that makes other people comfortable and I never go out of my way to make another person feel bad. I have the knowledge that everything is not important except the people you love. I'm persistent, and I move on very quickly. Although that was not always the way my life has been greatly enriched since it has. And most of all I've had my love of needlework to bring me back to my center. It's been my close companion during all the hard times and it's helping me to unpeal my layers. I have a wonderful life now and I never forget it and never take it for granted. In closing if your thing is stitching then go be happy and stitch and if your thing is politics go be happy and b**** whatever your thing is go and do it because life is too short and one should try to live it happily.

I don't know if I'll share my opinions on politics anymore but since they are a part of who I am I thought I'd share. And one last thing, if there is a baseball fan up there in heaven somewhere, please end the Met's losing streak because watching a Met game at the moment is only mildly more entertaining then watching a Bush news conference. keep stitchin.

1 comment:

Barbara Hynes said...

I totally agree with you about the state of political affairs in this country and the corruption of power at the highest levels. My blog is also more about my creative life, but sometimes my political "stuff" has to be expressed...because it all influences my life and art. Don't silence yourself. Things are allowed to continue unabated (like WAR) when people don't speak out. Blessed Be, Barbara from the FreeForm Crochet list