Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Unblocking

I must be honest with you all. I have lived a very blocked up life. Since I have discovered that I am an artist, my blockages are all becoming unblocked and my recent foray into complete self expression has gotten my emotions and my reality in a whirlwind. I have decided that I must put my biography out into the universe so I can deal with it once and for all and move on to authenticity.

I lost a brother when I was 6 and he was 4. My father was in a devastating car accident that put him out of work and in the hospital for most of a year shortly after my brother died. My reality when I was 6 was that my little life probably really was a nightmare. I was much too young to realize it but my mother was in a deep depression and I lived with that and the baggage that comes with severe depression. Let's just say it right now, I lived in hell. Back in the 60's people didn't believe in mental health counseling, not so much for adults and almost never for children. I learned at a very young age that smiling and laughing made my mother happy so I smiled and laughed my way through my life(on the outside anyway) but of course losing my brother and my father for a while made me a very sad person. So I guess you could say I lived most of my life in quiet desperation allowing no one inside enough to see it except me. It's a very dangerous way to live as smiling unhappy people are really very volatile on the emotional pendulum. It created many problems in my life and still at times does. My mother died when I was in my 20's and my dad died after being in a coma for 8 months 10 years ago. By the time I was 40 I had lost everyone I loved except my brother(my other brother's twin), my husband and my son. And I appreciate their time with me every single day.

I'd say the biggest impact it had on my life is that I didn't know who I was myself and I wanted to make everyone like me. I had no dreams of what I wanted to be in my grownup years. Death and sadness surrounded me. Dead animals, dead relatives, dead on the inside. I managed to look fine on the outside and probably nobody knew what kind of a life I had, I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself either. I had many escapades as a teen and I guess looking back although I had no bad habits(except eating)I was reckless. I put myself in situations which would make your hair curl but somehow God protects the foolhardy. I bumbled from job to job and boyfriend to boyfriend(happy girls have no problems finding boyfriends) until I met Peter. Although we've been together a long time and have definitely had our problems we are soulmates. We were both put on this earth to heal each other. We bring out the best and worst in each other and have the best teenager in the world who we both adore. My son is aware that life can be wonderful and horrible and I think that is a lesson every child should know. It is ok to be sad, ok to be happy, ok to be whatever your heart desires. I wish I had learned that lesson earlier, much earlier. It is much too difficult to figure out your potentials and what makes you happy when you are in your 40's. I am currently using my intuition and feelings to prune the good from the bad.

My only constant in my entire life is my love of needlecrafts. I love them, they are the gift that god gave me when he took all the things I loved away and gave me my husband and my son. I really have so many gifts but they are the only constant. I live in a wonderful peaceful place, I love music and art and books and my dog and pretty much life. But still being blocked since I was a child means I still have things that are holding me back. They say the truth will set you free, so I am free. Free to appreciate myself and my life, free to appreciate my gifts and my talents, free enough to say I am an artist and most of all, free to say it is ok to be happy, it is ok to be sad and ok to be whatever your heart desires. I have put it out into the universe and all I can say is stitch, love and be happy because none of us know how long we are on this earth and if we can't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of anyone else. Happy stitching.

2 comments:

Lisa Mae said...

Sounds so much like my life up to this point. Thank you for sharing.
Lisa Mae from Women's Artist Soul

Nona Parry said...

I love the work you show here -- it so clearly comes from your heart and soul.

How marvelous that you have come so far on such a treacherous journey and still give thanks. Gratitude is a much undervalued transformational skill.

Know that others are walking parallel paths. Maybe at a clearing we can sit together and see what's in our lunchboxes?

Cheers, Nona (from AJMarketing)
http://nonasart.blogspot.com