Today is another tangled day. My emotions are raw, my brain is fried and I am feeling such a loss. I'm not sure what kind of loss, probably one that will make me a better person for having it in the first place. But that is to be pondered about tomorrow. How does one express gratitude for a situation that causes so much pain but has given you many lessons about who you are and what you are? I guess what I've realized is that I am an artist. I am a very sensitive, thin skinned artist. I am sensitive enough to pick up on the subtleties of energy. It allows me to try to protect myself whenever I am around negative energy and it allows me to reach out to people who need to be reached out to. But unfortunately having this radar allows me to foretell my own future. I know when someone is an enemy and I know when someone is a friend.
For once in my life I tried to cherish an opportunity and to try and ignore the negative energy attached to it. And I almost pulled it off, but alas I could not ignore it anymore and I've ended up saying and doing things that put the onus on myself instead of furthering discussions about the negative aspects. I stood up for myself and made a fool out of myself while doing it. Some day I will forgive myself and those who rendered such negative feelings because in a way I think they did me a favor. I have never been able to stand up to the popular people who make their own lives happy making other people miserable but I did it. The alienated little mouse roared(albeit a bit too loudly and definitely a bit too bitter). But at the moment none of that matters. All that matters is the hurt and the loss.
But when all is said I done I found my own voice, my own art, my own vulnerabilities and my own optimism for when this all is over and soon it will be whenever it ends I will have gained so much more from this experience then the way I feel in this moment. I have found myself the person I tried to keep tucked away from view. The smart, overly sensitive, artistic one with the big mouth(ok, maybe not so smart).
I am going to go back to embroidering my turtle purse or doing crossword puzzles, my favorite drug of choice when I am troubled. Soon I will be able to be reflective and artistic. But for now I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe possibly help someone else who thinks they just trashed their life(I'm an artist and therefore I am allowed to be overly dramatic). If you've read this god bless you for listening to my pain and hopefully you'll be around for my next triumph.