Today was the first time in a month that I went to my tai chi class and I realized just how much I have learned about Tai Chi and myself in the past year. I am completely unblocked. I think the madness of the past few weeks has made me deal with issues from my childhood and now I am free. I went out of my comfort zone and felt pretty much uncomfortable for the last year, but now I can look at it and say I did something I never would have dreamed possible, so now anything is possible.
I like me, the forty something, chubby lady with the newly cut short hair I lived with till I tried to change it. The woman who loves embroidery and thinks it speaks to her soul. The friend who talks to much about herself and owes her friends an eternal debt of gratitude. An artist, not an accidental one but a real one. And a person who has been to hell in my life and back. A survivor.
I am really grateful for all the lessons of the last year that made the preceding paragraph easy to write. It's been a challenge and I think the fact that I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin when I was at the coop taught me that I can handle it. But do I want to? I think I figured out the answer to that question too. I think the answer is no. I cannot hide my truth any longer, I cannot pretend I am happy when I feel uncomfortable nor do I deserve to. It's a self worth lesson with a real life example. We are our own worst enemies. We stay in situations that don't really work for us because we are afraid to be vulnerable and say I failed or I don't fit in. But now I can look back and say I'm glad I didn't fit in. It was more of a lesson. Now don't get me wrong I fit in as an artist, I just didn't fit in as a person. Not strong enough, too malleable, too unsure of myself. I guess in looking back over the past year that is the lesson I needed to learn. That when something doesn't fit who you are move on. Or change. I did both and the relationships with the people who really matter are so much richer, I changed to make them better. And when changing wasn't enough I moved on. Just that simple sentence explains most of my life. I moved before I learned the lesson, before I got the nugget of experience I was there to receive, but the coop was something I wanted so badly I wouldn't move on until I learned the lesson. That it was killing me while I tried to be something I wasn't. In the last month I gave up Tai chi, which is definitely something that works for me(although if you saw me do it you probably wouldn't say so). I fell apart and then I picked myself up I said what I had to say and I moved on.
Now I'm back on the road again hoping to find other outlets and other ways to express myself thankful for the opportunity to express myself as an artist and thankful for dealing with my insecurity issues. My life is too short, I must live my truth and move on. No explanations, no excuses.
Move on, be happy. Keep stitchin.