Christmas Blues

Ok, I know the picture is another repeat but pretend I am a member of the Television Writers Guild. The only reason my hand is here is because it is my hand and I am blue. What I'm going to write is probably a repeat too but when I wrote about it last it wasn't the Christmas season. Here is where I will insert my disclaimer if you are a Christmas loving, carol singing, purist who adores everything Christmas this post is not for you.

How does one get through the entire Christmas season without getting melancholy or blue? Everybody I love(except for my hubby and my son and my friends)has ties to the holiday season and they are gone. Either they died during the time surrounding Christmas or they had their birthdays or anniversaries or some other reason to remember them and to remember that they are not here. Add that to the sappy Christmas music and the wonderful Hallmark movies and well I guess you can figure out the rest.

I know I'm not alone in my sadness and melancholy. In fact I think probably most people feel this way during the Christmas holidays but yet everywhere you go people are pretending to be happy and joyous(or if they are really lucky they are happy and joyous). Today as I was driving to the supermarket I heard Josh Groban's version of I'll Be Home For Christmas, the version with the soldiers giving holiday greetings in the beginning which is why I didn't see it coming and change the station. Of course it made me cry and then because I was driving and I was out in public I had to put a stiff upper lip and pretend I wasn't crying or thinking of those who aren't home for Christmas. And then I wondered why is it necessary year after year to remind people of what is lost instead of what they still have? Why do they write such sad sappy holiday songs and tearjerker holiday movies anyway? Although to be honest if I'm in the right mood I can cry to Frosty the Snowman also. The funny thing is I know that they are coming and I try to avoid them at all costs, but it's just impossible. I was just driving my car to the supermarket minding my own business and wham.

What's even worse is you aren't really allowed to be unhappy or sad at Christmas, it rubs people the wrong way. They want to be joyous and thankful(and truly I am joyous and thankful as long as I'm not being reminded that it is Christmastime). They seem to be angry when I tell them that my mother is gone 25 years and my dad is gone 10 like my grief is going on just a little too long. But it's there and even though I try to take care of myself every single year I end up feeling miserable when I hear a Christmas carol or watch something heartwarming on tv. It's a reminder. I have a wonderful son and he manages to make Christmas day a most joyous occasion because I love to see him happy and he is always happy on Christmas day. My husband goes out of his way to make sure I have a wonderful Christmas(and you can check back I will have had a wonderful Christmas day) but there is nothing anyone can do about the 30 something days between Thanksgiving and the first week of January(when both my parents died). The landmines are set and there is no escaping them. There is just no place for unhappiness in the cheery Christmas season.

There are so many things I want to do with my business and I just can't do it. Although I have been able to knit or embroider all day as long as I stay away from the radio and the television. Next year I might just go to a Tibetan mountaintop for the 30 something days or perhaps just stay in my pjs and be mournful on my own. But that is next year and this is this year. I hope I didn't depress you too much or perhaps I helped you to feel not so alone. But my blog has become my life and my work and my little window to the world. You will find very optimistic posts in the future and many beautiful new works that you will hopefully like, but for now all I have to offer of any substance is my blue hand with a star in the middle.

Hold your families very tightly and love them with all you have, especially during the holiday season. Blessings to all, and thank you if you took the time to read my tale of woe!