Sunday, March 4, 2012


Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing.  It is used to torture people all over the world.   It makes you absolutely crazy.  There is just no other way to describe it.  I come from a long line of insomniacs.  My grandmother sometimes suffered with it, my mother, myself and now my son.  Add to it the changes of entering menopause well you have a very bad combination of things coming together to make you crazy.  Not good kooky crazy but totally freakin out of your mind.

I have been sleeping poorly for months.  I would often wake up feeling like something was lost and I can't find it.  My poor dog is in a declining state suffering from arthritis. She wakes up growling or barking every time anything gets near her, namely my foot which she sleeps near.  My husband snores and I have many nightmares or don't dream at all.  So let's just say I've been living in a very dark place lately for much too much time.  I guess I've been living in the dark side of the soul.

During my waking hours I could usually handle it, but the lack of restful peaceful sleep time has made me crazy.  Luckily during  my waking hours I spend much of my time doing what I love, embroidering, going out with friends, spending time with my son and generally being a light person who is light and cheerful to anyone around her.  But then there is the darkness.  The last few days have been exceptionally hard as the planets collided to make sure I received about 8 hours sleep in a week.  I don't think I have to tell you that is not enough sleep.

Last night I could not sleep so I went downstairs to lay on my couch and I fell asleep.  I think it is where I have to sleep for a little while.  When I was young my mother had back problems and slept on a love seat with her legs hanging over, I slept on the couch because I was afraid of the dark and afraid of the noises that were coming out of my attic which was attached to my room.  When we weren't sleeping which was all the time frankly we would watch movies together.  Movies like Dark Victory, The Swinger, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.  I wouldn't give up those nights for anything, who wouldn't want to spend such quality time with their mother.  But they had a devastating affect on my sleep patterns that I have never quite recovered from.  And that being said, I ended up with fibromyalgia which originates in your brain chemistry.  There is no definitive answer and they don't know whether it is the lack of sleep or a change in the brain chemistry.  Somehow cortisol is involved and that is what controls pain in the body. So is the chicken before the egg or the other way around.

I decided to talk about this today, because the last week has been exceptionally bad.  As you probably have surmised I have been all over the map, up, down,up, down, up, down.  I can sadly say I also had voices running through my head.  I think maybe that is the reason I  had the breakthrough the other day about exposing the darkness in my life.  I can't really live as a dark being anymore, I have to move towards the light or I will be moving towards the light permanently.  It's not really fun to admit that you have a major problem that you can't handle on your own.  But on Friday when I was working at the coop after pulling an all nighter, the nicest thing happened. I couldn't count my draw although I only  had one cash sale and Warren the gentlemen who makes the most beautiful wooden toys(you should really come to see them)did it for me.  He had said earlier that he didn't like counting the drawer either and that often he is up at 3:00 making those wonderful toys.  I immediately thought of him as a wonderful elf.  I know that Chung Ah will have a hard time deciphering my envelope because my 2 sales of the day were both done incorrectly, but Chung Ah also happens to be an insomniac so she will understand.  I was totally out of control that day but a very, very light being because I was so tired my brain wouldn't work. 

I shared this story because there are millions of people all over the world who can't sleep and live in some form of darkness some of the time, there are some of us who do it more often then others.  Try to be kind to them and talk to them about it, you may be surprised to find that they are a beautiful light person who just couldn't go to sleep in the dark.

Blessings and a good nights sleep, and I will be sleeping on the couch for a while so that maybe someday soon my brain will be quiet enough to give you a less rambling blog post.  keep stitching.