Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Reason to Believe
Reason to Believe is a song by Rod Stewart/Faces
I'm only writing one blog today so be forewarned. I am a person who truly believes in the universe in my heart and in my soul. I wanted to move upstate 9 years ago and believed it with all my heart. I put a picture of a house on my fridge, I wrote down my intentions, I perservered even when there was no hope and I paid attention to signs that pointed me in that direction. I met hundreds of people from upstate while I lived downstate, I worked in a kiosk in the middle of a mall . My running joke for quite a few years was that I met more people when I lived down there then I met after I moved here. I also had hundreds of signs up here that I was moving in the right direction. I just believe in this message from the universe thing.
So here I am at a crossroads where I can either believe in the universe or believe in my reality. My reality kind of sucks at the moment so I'm choosing to believe in the universe again. But you know what it's not really so hard to believe in the universe either. If you take the mental breakdown out of the equation the rest of the last few months have been kind of inspiring.
I have changed so much that I am really not the same person I was back in December. I worked harder then I have ever worked in my life and did exceptionally well all the while embroidering and listening to the Black Keys. Since December I have lost between 20 and 30 pounds. I managed to get through the Christmas season without falling apart or falling into the depths of depression. I managed to let go of unresolved grief, I started to accept myself as I am. I became truly outgoing instead of just pretending to be outgoing. I have given up every bad habit I ever had. I remembered how to dance and how to laugh and how to listen to music that wasn't something I ordinarily listened to. I stopped watching tv.
I'm decluttering, and believe you me when I say decluttering I mean decluttering. Why oh why did I have 4 books of morning pages available to me? What I realized about the morning pages is that I used to talk a good game but I never really lived it until now! I was gonna do this and this and this and this and somehow never managed to do this. The this that I am now doing.(morning pages is a writing exercise from the Artist's Way).
I am changing my life one little baby step at a time. And now comes the time when I look back at all those baby steps and say I accomplished something. And because of these changes I am giving myself a wee bit of time before I decide what kind of job I want and where I want to live and what I will find at the end of this path I'm on. Because in a fit of panic I chased a car on the highway a month and a half ago and thought a rock star was in it. And then I tried to check myself into a mental hospital but luckily for me there were no beds. I had a breakdown from living a lie, I wasn't chasing a rock star I was running away from my life as I know it.
And here I am today, still losing weight and it will take some time to totally declutter my life so I can refill it with things that I love. I'm still not eating away my emotions. I'm still embroidering although not quite as often as I like. I'm getting used to my living arrangements but not too used to it. I've been to all my doctors(and I do mean all my doctors) and I'm basically of well body and pretty much mind. And I still have a reason to believe that at the end of this journey I will find the missing pieces that make sense to my world and the key that opens them.
I wrote this blog post for my friends and family who are so worried about me. I am truly blessed and very grateful that I have people who worry about me, but I can tell them that I am ok. I will be ok and as long as they don't see me with a pint of Ben and Jerrys and a plastic spoon I am ok. There have been a lot of scary changes in my life, but there have been an awful lot of good ones too.
Blessings, find your embroidery, your Black Keys(I still can embroider to nothing else), and your sanity. If finding what you love doesn't work for you, go find a therapist, or a friend or someone who can talk you out of the hole that you dug yourself.