Tears of a Clown

Mask of Tears

It is just so easy to cry.  It is easier to just drop our responsibilities and cry for all of our regrets.  Blaming circumstances or other people for the pain we feel and the mistakes we’ve made.  It is much harder to let those regrets and circumstances and mistakes go and move on to the business of making ourselves lovable and building a life full of love in a world of uncertainty.

I have always been a crier.  A woe is me type who didn’t even have the courage to show my tears.  They were always hidden behind a beautiful smile.  I started to transform last spring when I became an artist.  I have always been an artist, but my earlier work was a mix of divine intervention and the same old stale mediocrity that other people liked.  In the past few months my work has become more of a work of self-expression.

 

Beyond the Yellow Brick Road was an expression of my hidden hopes for the future and my very, very, very long month and a half curse that started to mark the end of my reproductive years (hopefully).  Reverence was the cross expressing my return to spirituality and my belief in God and the universe.  Sailor’s Knot was an expression of the ocean of uncertainty.   Every piece I have made has been a self-expression of some of the dreams I left behind because I felt it so difficult to admit that I was living a life that was not my own.

I have dreams of my own business.  I dream to be an artist and to write tales that other people feel are interesting.  I dream of finding an unconditional love for myself and others.  I dream of the day where I find myself hidden beneath all the tears and laughter.  Every single day, I am finding myself to be a much different person underneath those tears and laughter than the person I thought I was.

I am genuinely a believer in dreams, God and the universe.  I live on the dreamer, idealistic side of the mountain instead of the tears and smiles that defined me.  I am afraid of an unknown future but moving towards it in spite of that fear.  A few months ago my therapist asked me to move from one side of the couch to the other and examine how I would feel if I had the feeling that I deserved to be happy.  I did as she asked and moving from one side of the couch to the other led me to propel my life in a completely new direction.   A life where I am taking responsibility for who I am and who I wish to be.  I am now on a journey listening to how the events surrounding me make me feel, not the all too cerebral analysis of every little thing in my life.

I do not know where this road of finding peace, love and happiness will bring me but I know that I am moving forward in a way that defines who I am.  I am most grateful for the opportunity to breathe and live my life in the moment.  I am listening to my heart and soul for a change instead   my analytical human brain.

Every time I have listened to my heart and had faith in the past, somehow things worked out. It is time to listen to them again and move along with a song in my heart, making work from my heart and finding love for myself and others. 

Thank you for reading this blog post.  I went beyond my comfort level in expressing myself in feelings instead of hiding them behind a beautiful smile.  I do genuinely smile more these days but that is a choice.  Please find your authenticity and your unique talents, the world needs all of us.

The song of the day is Tears of A Clown and it was song by Smokey Robinson back in the day.