Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Feeling Stronger

I woke up so strong this morning, like anything is possible.  It’s a new and unique feeling; one which comes from survival.  Doing the one thing you didn’t think you could do and surviving doing it.  Now I have a lot of choices, first of them finding some gainful employment and charting a life for myself.  I still want to do it on my terms so not quite ready to do the conventional corporate thing yet.  I have faith in God and the universe that the answer is out there somewhere and hopefully with the holidays almost upon us I will sell enough of my work to keep my head above water while I wait for my marriage to end.

Peter and I have finally reached the peaceful part of our marriage ending, the part where the decisions have been made and we are just waiting for it to be over.  It’s brought a kind of peacefulness to the process.  He’s moving on, I’m moving on.  We’re evolving.  I do hope for our son’s sake that we can somehow manage to be in each other’s life without being in each other’s life.  I truly hope he finds the wife he wishes he married when he married me.

I’m getting used to living on my own and being alone a lot of the time.  I’m not running around sightseeing every day, I’m working.  I like working.  There are moments in the middle of the night where I think I hear something and then I realize that I am hearing my fear and I go back to sleep.  I kind of like that feeling of being able to put the demons back in the closet and going back to sleep.  Last night Chopin did it for me.  Chopin and peace seem to just fit together perfectly in my mind.  Also weaving ends into a scarf didn’t really hurt either, it’s great to be able to be creative whenever the muse finds you.

It’s funny about the Chopin thing, I am still thinking about pianos.  While I was in the hospital I played the piano and I have thought of nothing (except hand embroidery and crochet) since.  I’m wondering if there is a piano playing gig in my future (fat chance but fun to dream about anyway).  I really am fascinated by the piano but maybe that is just some fantasy remembered by a young girl who wished to play the piano and ended up learning the accordion instead.  But it’s a fun fantasy so when I settle somewhere perhaps I will be able to afford having a piano nearby.

And then there is my work, I am working again.  That always makes me strong and probably kept me from completely self-destructing many times in my past.  It’s humbling to realize just how lucky you are to have had the parents and the upbringing you had and how although you thought you were just this little oddball person in a dysfunctional family, you were a budding artist who had your creativity and sanity nurtured by masters. 

So here I am, ready for another day of end weaving and embroidering.  I’ll have more pictures later when the end weaving is done.  I am making a lovely brown scarf, in two wonderfully contrasting colors of brown which I’ll explain in more depths when I share the picture.
And finally, I still believe in a loving and abundant God and universe and yes Virginia I still believe in my dreams and am feeling strong enough to believe they may actually come true.  Have a great day and live your own dreams even if it’s only for a moment or two.

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